Being A Discourse on the Nature of Elves

 1) Elves suffer terribly, when short of water (hence, their aversion to wastes). Their affliction is especially noticeable around the gliding joints (wrists and ankles). Lack of water causes plasmolysis and consequent drop in turgor pressure. This results in floppy Joints, limp wrists and much falling over. Though, when you meet them normally, fully wet, there is little, if any, difference.

2) On hot days, transpiration takes place in elves at an alarming rate, causing water to seep in through the root hairs of the feet, up the woody xylem of the legs and torso and out through the leafy hairs and leaf shaped ears. Elves often wear green pointy hats with feathers in to limit this flow. On very hot days you will often find elves stood in buckets of Baby Bio.

3) It is a little known fact that when you take a layer of bark from around an entire elf they will soon die due to lack of water to the brain

4) Elven brains are highly developed lignin. Messages are passed around the brain by use of liquid nutrient signals rather like those used by ants but not yet that developed

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5) As a mobile plant, elves must obtain nutrients from other sources than the ground. In their early stages of evolution a “Venus Fly Trap” aperture was used for capture of flying insects. Evolution then led to the appearance of arms and legs for hunting with. Their original tooled hands (very spearlike) though very good at hunting, were incredibly poor for eating the prey. This led the elves to cooperate with each other and develop speech.

6) Elven words are like wind from the botty of a caw overfed on vindaloo  As such they contribute to the world’s greenhouse effect and, for them, propagate growth.

7) Elven hearts are very much like artichoke. Absolutely no use as a pump but very tasty.

(Note, elves depend on transpiration and osmosis to pass liquids and signals around their bodies. They thus, have no need for a blood system. When you cut them they seep sap.)